God's timing is not my own.

The more I think about what's (or rather, WHO) to come in 3 short months, the harder it gets to imagine that I'm fixing to be a mommy.  Before I was able to feel Charlie move, I thought with each passing day that it would finally be real to me once I could feel her.  But even now that she moves pretty regularly throughout the day...I'll be 6 months come next Thursday.....and she has a name....it's still not 100% real.

I think about what I have (or have not) accomplished so far in my years of 'attempted' college education.  I think about what my goals were previous to pregnancy. I think about the timing...the added circumstance...the fear...the reality...all of which are inevitable at this point.  But I'm reminded of how in every other life altering situation in my life, the timing was not my own...but rather God's timing.  I'm here to tell you from plenty of experience....with God, some, if not most things are not meant to be understood...especially his timing. What we ARE to understand is that God does not make mistakes. God's timing is perfect. and that EVERYTHING (no matter how cliche' it may sound) really DOES happen for a reason.

Something that I've struggled with through the years is the fear of what people thought of me. Questions like, "To others, am I only the sum of my mistakes?", "To others, am I finished in life?", "To others, am I only as good as my most recent good deed?" 

But...God forgives me and sees me as much more than my mistakes.  To God, My life has only just begun....and eternal life is yet to come.  To God, I have a purpose. and the most incredible thing about it all is that because God does not make mistakes, that means that God knew about Charlie before even I was born.  He created her with PURPOSE. with a PLAN. and without ERROR. He loves her, and he loves me....so does it really matter what I am to others? LET ME REASSURE YOU....ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I'll be the first to admit the I've always had a selfish nature about me...maybe because I've always been spoiled rotten to the core...but the best feeling in the world is the feeling of knowing that when it comes to Charlie..ALREADY..I'm overwhelmed with selflessness...I would sacrifice anything for her in a heartbeat.  And when I think about THAT, that alone could be enough reason for God's timing with Charlie.  To strip me of my selfishness.

And regardless of any reason to God's timing, she's on her way...and I am MORE than excited about her arrival.  I'm grateful for God's timing and the change it's bringing to my life. As hard as it may be to think of the actual reality of it all, I'm grateful to be becoming a mother.

so much love from Charlie and I....................